Nothing More Than Feelings

Have you ever felt like there's a hole inside of you? And it's so big it could swallow you whole... But it's not sadness, nor is it happiness, it's something else, entirely different. It's hard to breathe, you feel numb, kind of like staying out in a very cold night wearing multiple jackets.
You can't really tell what's wrong, you think of all the possibilities, but it just doesn't come to you. You feel like crying, but you don't know why, and at the same time you feel like smiling, but your smiles comes out crooked and weird.
It's a saturday night and you don't feel like going out, but you don't want to stay in your house either, everything feels confusing, your mind can't work straight.
You make a conscious choice not to listen to your thoughts because you know they're your worst enemy right now.
And the numbness grows on you, and you keep denying your own thoughts, untill you reach a point where you can't go back.
Your heart pounds on your chest as hard as it can but you ignore it like a lost puppy cuddling against your legs. Suddenly, you stop feeling warm or cold, and you can't tell the difference between happiness and sadness, you feel whole and at the same time lonely.

You're in a constant state of indiference.

But then it happens. Out of the blue, a beam of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, it lifts your spirit so high and so fast that you don't know what to do with all those supressed feelings that burst out of you, your smile covers your whole face, you can't stop thinking about flowery fields and the smell of lillies. It's like waking up from a bad dream and finding yourself living in a palace. Your heart almost comes out of your mouth, leaving no room for talking, you move your lips, but all you can do is smile...

Welcome to my life.